I’m caught up in the Doing. Always. I feel guilty if I’m not buzzing around ticking things off the list at hyper-speed, and no matter how many tasks I accomplish, I’m weighted by the heavy sense that I could have done more.
There’s too much to do on a farm when farming is one’s full-time job, and we only wish it were ours. We’re exhausted, C is having an intense Lyme flare-up, and we’re scrambling to finish a new goat barn before snow decides to stay. I say “we” meaning C, as usual, but I’m not much help with carpentry and believe me, there are other things to do.
Yesterday, we stopped. We took a drive, and hunted down the perfect tree. And you know what? Apart from a few sweet moments, we couldn’t relax. I can speak for both C and I when I say that we just could not let go of all the other things we “should” have been doing with that time.
So, we brought it home, The One, our perfect, round little tree, and then…I don’t know. I guess we just didn’t allow ourselves to create space for some family time after the sun went down. There was simply too much to do. This is my confession of failure at Self-Care. Even though I’ve committed to sharing the ways in which I’m trying to keep my own oxygen mask on, there are moments when I slip, and forget that I need to breathe.
The tree will remain naked until we can come together, unhurriedly, and devote ourselves to turning off the external pressure and being present with each other, if just for an hour. I think we can do it. Maybe even before the weekend comes again.
My work, now, is so very clear. I need to practice being okay with Not Doing It All.
How do I let go of my unreasonable expectations of what I’m capable of accomplishing in the waking hours? I wonder if I can just turn around, and face the things that feed me in a different way, without buckling at the knees and crawling back to my to-do list, without feeling sheared off at the base.
Honoring and Acceptance of my limitations.
Asking for help.
I definitely need to come up with some affirmation with a cool acronym.